Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Maecenas faucibus ris
The Evolution of a Programmer
High School/Jr.High
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
First year in College
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.
Senior year in College
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))
New professional
#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;
for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}
Seasoned professional
#include
#include
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
}
~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};
ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}
string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}
System Administrator
#include
main()
{
char *tmp;
int i=0;
/* on y va bourin */
tmp=(char *)malloc(1024*sizeof(char));
while (tmp[i]="Hello Wolrd"[i++]);
/* Ooopps y'a une infusion ! */
i=(int)tmp[8];
tmp[8]=tmp[9];
tmp[9]=(char)i;
printf("%s\n",tmp);
}
Apprentice Hacker
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;
Experienced Hacker
#include
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
Seasoned Hacker
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
Guru Hacker
% cat
Hello, world.
^D
New Manager
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
Middle Manager
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello,
world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D
Senior Manager
% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.
Chief Executive
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout
back
Human Genome
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved
the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function
is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we
see that the contents begin as follows:
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation
* problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#ifndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include <sex.h>
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
> * to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
back
Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars
- A particular model year wouldn't be available until after that year,
instead of before.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy
a new car
- Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to
restart it, and, for some strange reason, you would just accept this.
- You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you
bought a '95 car, or an NT car, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
- You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a sec, it's
that way NOW!
- Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as
reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
- The oil, alternator, gas, and temperature warning lights would be
replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
- People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars,
forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands
for years.
- We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
- Ford, GM and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft
would be putting radios in all their models.
back
new kind of computer virus ...
SEATTLE (Not Reuter) - A new kind of computer virus is affecting users of
Intel-based microcomputers around the world, company officials said Tuesday.
The virus, known as Microsoft Windows 95, is relatively benign, although it
could make it difficult to use the computer for any productive purpose.
"It doesn't cause any system corruption or data loss,'' said Michael Hebert, a
group product manager for Microsoft. ``Pretty much it's just an annoyance.''
Hebert admitted that there are a variety of cures for the virus, the most
popular being the purchase of an Apple Macintosh.
But the virus has raised concerns among computer security experts because it is
the first known case of an infection being marketed all over the world and
actively by a global corporation.
``It's definitely a clever thing to do,'' Hebert said.
Typically computer viruses spread through programs that are transferred over
the Internet or other computer networks and contain tainted ``executable''
files which can be weeded out by utility devices.
The virus was first detected over a year ago and can affect all microcomputers
based on the Intel microprocessor. Based on Apple Computer's Macintosh visual
interface, the virus changes the user's computer into a virtual consultant
agency, where lots of activity is apparently going on but virtually nothing
substantial is returned.
Computer users who need information about the virus and its cure can call
Microsoft product-support technicians, check in various online electronic
bulletin board forums, or contact their local Apple Computer reseller
directly.
Hebert concludes by saying that Microsoft hopes to make available within
several weeks a program that will scan any computer network to detect the
presence of, and propagate, similar viruses.
back
From the Book of Microsoft
And LO! The Lord of the OS did come down among His sheep and He did sayeth,
Thou Shalt Pay Bill Gates, and he will deliverith unto you my product.
I am Win95, your GUI. Thou shalt not have false GUI's on machines before me.
And the Lord said, "16 bit applications are evil! I am sorry I evercreated
them. I shall destroy them all and start over. Thou shalt all buy new
computers."
And the prophet Intel came forward and said, "But Lord, what about backwards
compatibility? What about the tribes of 8086 and 80286 and 80386?"
And Lo! The Lord became angry and said, "Compatability is irrelevant. You
will be assimilated."
And the consumers gathered around Bill Gates and the tower of Microsoft, and
they asked, "Prophet, how much must we spend on salvation? Seven times our
investment?"
And Bill Gates turned to the crowd and he said unto them, "Nay, consumers, you
must not spend seven times your investment, but rather seventy times seven
times your investment. Only then shall you be saved."
And the consumers did as they were told. But the product did not work, and
they grew angry, and they cried out to the Lord, "Lord, we have done as you
asked, but the product does not work! Our machines, they run slow! Our
applications, they do not run."
And the Lord said unto them, "I tell you this, it is easier for Alice Cooper to
enter the gates of heaven than for a Pentium to run Windows95."
And as the masses came forward, I saw inscribed upon their heads W95, the
Number of Bill.
And the Prophet Bill, for that is who it must have been, he raised his right
hand, and broke the first seal, saying, "Behold, the seal of Microsoft. By the
breaking of this seal you are bound unto whatever the contract within may
say."
And as the seal was broken, all the great empires around the world were set
upon with famine and floods and swarms of bugs like never seen before and great
anguish befell them all.
And lo, the Prophet Bill held up the scroll and said, "Behold, the second seal!
I shall not break it today, but rather I shalt break it soon, like perhaps next
week, or maybe the week thereafter. Thou shalt wait expectantly for its
breaking, shalt not produce any other work until that time shall come."
Author: Scott L.Dickenshied (sdickens@cs.nmsu.edu)
back
Star Trek Lost Episodes
[Picard]
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a
weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command
pathways?"
[Geordi]
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
[Riker]
"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
[Data]
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called
'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command
unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
[Picard]
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing
systems to increase their storage capacity?"
[Data]
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of
itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with
each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually
all of heir processing ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions."
[Picard]
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape'
idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
[Data]
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit
and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have
not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
[Geordi]
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity
to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate
for their increase."
[Picard]
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we
have missed."
[Data]
"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in
their registration cards.
[Riker]
"Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F . . ."
[Geordi]
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
[Picard]
"Data, what do your scanners show?"
[Data]
"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
[Picard]
"Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
[Riker]
"Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
[Geordi]
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase
resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more
'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
[Picard]
"How much time will that buy us ?"
[Data]
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of
6 more hours."
[Geordi]
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
[Picard]>
"Identify."
[Data]
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
[Over]
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE
POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL
ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
[Data]
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands
of humanoid shaped objects."
[Picard]
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
[Riker]
"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship
with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
[Data]
"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits"
[Riker]
"Lawyers !!"
[Geordi]
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the
sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
[Data]
"True, but apparently some must have survived."
[Riker]
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of
papers."
[Data]
"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often
proves fatal."
[Riker]
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
[Picard]
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve
that."
back
Update girlfriend 1.0 to wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that
it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which
are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular
phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though
other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature
of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way that it is always
launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system
activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3,
BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all,
crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the
option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other
system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would
allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0
by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You
must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the two versions
of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think
they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girfriend 1.0 doesn't
work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS **************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry
viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider
under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can
accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
back
Windows source code
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: MAY 1998
$History$
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp" O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
back
How Does a (BLANK) Chicken Cross the Road?
NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so
quiet that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses,
but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And
it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped
on the other side.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server
will download one to the other side.
(Of course, those are chicklets)
Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on runnin.
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can
carry it across the road in your pocket !
Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't
dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other
side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on
all sides of the road until you observe it on
the side of your course.
Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross
the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Al Gore Chicken: Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing
Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished,
assuming he's re-elect ed and the Republicans don't
gut the program.
COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
back
The Customer and the Unix Consultant
Cust what is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program ?
UNIX yes, that's correct.
Cust no, what is it ?
UNIX yes.
Cust so, which is the one ?
UNIX no.'which' is used to find the program.
Cust stop this. who are you ?
UNIX use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'.you can also 'finger yoo' to
get information about 'yoo'.
Cust all i want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX use 'what'.
Cust that's what i am trying to find out. isn't that true ?
UNIX no. 'true' gives you 0.
Cust which one ?
UNIX 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Cust let's get back to my problem. what program? how do i find it?
UNIX type 'find/-name it' to find 'it'.type 'what program' to
get the revision code.
Cust i want to find the revision code.
UNIX you can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Cust which command will do what i need?
UNIX no. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Cust i think i understand. let me write that.
UNIX you can write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Cust write what?
UNIX no. 'write that'.'what program'.
Cust cut that out!
UNIX yes. those are valid files for 'cut'.don't forget the options.
Cust do you always do this ?
UNIX 'du' will give you disk usage.
Cust HELP!
UNIX 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System(SCCS).
Cust you make me angry.
UNIX no, I don't 'make me' angry but i did 'make programname'
when i was upset once.
Cust i don't want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX no 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'.
every system has 'more'.
Cust nice help! I'm confused more now.
UNIX understand that since 'help' is such a small program,
it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not
allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Cust this is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX i didn't know you needed help with 'pc'.let me get you
to the Pascal compiler team.
back
How God Created the Computer
In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.
On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days,
bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This
being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't.
God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest
of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!"
And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype.
Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and improved
" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was
dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but
only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift'
instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single
shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God
realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU
, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go
forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines,
register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions,
microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have
used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe,
and it hasn't worked right since.
back
How You Know You Are A High Tech Worker
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
10% of the people you work with (boss included) -- knows what they do.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"
or "does something with satellites"
You read this entire list and understood it
back
Jesus Saves
back
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This
goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest,
with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines
of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before
the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the
electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that
the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and
cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the
voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact.
How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
back
Light Bulb
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:
* 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light
bulb has been changed
* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs.
* 53 to flame the spell checkers
* 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light
bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
* 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
* 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please
take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
* 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
* 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all uselight
bulbs and herefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
* 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique, and what brands are faulty.
* 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
* 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs.
* 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
* 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
* 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversey.
* 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
* 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
* 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
* 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
leave it here.
* 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
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Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is
known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding
his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
+ 3
--------------
666 !!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just
the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide...
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Quick Guide to Programming Languages
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have
stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to
remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered
as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.
TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all
in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and
saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you
continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no
exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, youhoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself
in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage
which holds...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain
it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems,
continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but
you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the
result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its
trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When
you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do
it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot
yourself in the right foot.
Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document
explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot
comesback deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your
Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot,
just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies
are for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must
first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
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The Programmer and the Engineer
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun
game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away
and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real
easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll
pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now,
that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer
asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with
a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his
references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer
$50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries toreturn
to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the
question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5
to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
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Things you don't want your SysAdmin to say
1. Uh-oh...
2. Oh S***!
3. What the heck?!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)
5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this...
7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.
8. Terminated?!?
9. What software license?!?
10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
11. Wow...that seemed fast...
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
26. I don't think it should be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I sawit do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, MY files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I
killed your job.
39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that
a problem to you?
40. We're standardizing on AIX.
41. Wonder what THIS command does?
42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)
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You Know It's Time To Turn Your Computer Off When...
1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy for a
year!"
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant
message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your
ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.
18. "Where did the time go?"
19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
22. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.
23. You think faster than the computer.
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}
and **kisses**.
25. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say BRB.
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this....
"BRB. leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".
29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-Life.
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